To believe or not to believe ?

This is a big question for me.

My understanding is that what can be experienced can only bring the true knowledge.

I feel that I am on a spiritual path which can take me to broader understanding of the Nature and all the things comprising Nature. This will also lead me to the better understanding of humanity and also to self realization of a new God which may be different from external beliefs which I inherited from my religion and society.

Now I have limited time and efforts for meditation, I have limited time and efforts for contemplation, I have limited time and efforts for even the collation of the seemingly right information. I have accrued lot of information by reading books, but I have experienced very little. I have not experienced enough to say anything with certainty. When I try to be sure, I feel that i am applying lot of belief and very little experience of my own.

Now if I stop believing, I will not believe in spirituality, as I have never experienced spirit with my five senses. Also I do not have any other sensory capabilities other than normal five senses.
I will not believe in any God or Nature because, I have not experienced a consistent functioning of God.

If I do not believe, then I am nowhere. I am just a blank page with few lines scribbled on it. My experiences of the physical world does not let me relate with anything metaphysical. Some people say that one must learn from the experience of others. Then what about the self experience? I can learn anything and everything from others, so many knowledgeable people have existed in the world; they have told so many things, but they also talked of realizing by self experience.

I do not have the energy or inclination to become a Buddha. Then do I need to be contended with my half book knowledge, one quarter belief and one quarter experience?

I really do not know.

An ambitious man

Past was good,
or was bad,
but there is always,
a better future...

thoughts & energies
all are focused,
how to make it,
better & better..

make it better,
a projected future,
from the lessons,
learned in the past..

I keep thinking,
while I am eating,
while I am working,
while I am driving,
while I am sittling idle..

little did I realise,
I never reached that future,
as future,
always remained a future,
and I have,
to make it better..

My time went past,
and so did the whole life,
and I kept watching it,
with one eye on future..

An ambitious man was I called,
so did I achieve,
heights of professional
and personal gains..

I was very successful,
in the eyes of others,
and so did i believe,
that I have got that I aspired..

One day I paused,
It was very bleak day,
depressing and dark,
I looked around,
I did not know anyone,
or did they know me,
my close ones,
had long past closed on me..

Life has passed,
and then i come to know,
all the fun,
all the love,
all the compassion,
all the relation,
they belonged to the present

The present,
which never was.

Lines withdrawn from blogs....2

I wrote this in lighter vein on a blog in response to a story by blog author, where author had written about his/her first mountaineering expedition and the scaring heights.
-------------------------
Long Long Time back..

I was a paratrooper with special quality. I was a sniper too.

It was Far east and we were dropped from a Bf 109 german freighter in between the british bastion at 10000 feet in early morning darkness.

The parachutes were all german, heavy but reliable. There was no time to think, the order came from the commander " Go" and one had to jump.

I did visualize my God and jumped. Very soon I was floating on the clouds and started counting. At the count between 80 and 100, the parachute had to open, other wise I needed to pull the latch.

I reached at the count of 80 without much thought...the feeling was good , I was sailing with hands and legs open. 90..91..92..Ok sometimes it happens ..one has to wait till 100 and if it does not open, then count again upto 20..

Count of 100 passed and the there was no usual sound of air gushing in the soft cloth...I started counting again. I could see fellow paratroopers being pulled up one by one as their chutes were opening up. 15..16..17..adrenalin was rushing up now..something is not working..the worst nightmare of the paratrooper was coming true. 20..21..22..I pulled up the auxilliary latch. At least no more waiting now, ...My god..the latch and the nylon is not coming out with ususal hiising sound. I gave a slight twist and pulled again..Nothing..I was now losing my mind..Death was never so near..After repeated attempts..there was no success, this parachute has stuck!

I was loosing altitude very fast 6000..5800..5500...

Now the next thought was how to reduce the speed with which I strike the earth..With 1 g I was gaining 10 m speed every second...I tried to spread my hands and legs ...no use..wind drag was so high that I could not spread an inch..I was shooting like a bullet now..

My rifle without silencer was on pulled tight on my shoulder...suddenly a thought comes to my mind....With great effort I pulled the rifle and brought it to the front...the magazines were cosily strapped around the waist..I streched my hand and tried to pull out one magazine..now fitting magazine to the gun travelling in air at speed of 250 km per hour was a task which could happen only in a james bond movie...But with life in thin air...I could do that somehow..the click of trigger accepting the magazine brought me to back from losing consiousness.. I

I firmly held the rifle and put the butt on my stomach...took a shot at the earth and fired.

The force of 25 kg rocked my stomach..but with no resistance in air ..I was thrown aback..I fired again...my velocity has reduced ...I kept counting the shots..there were 36 shots inside...As soon I was with in 1000 feet..I shot more frequently...By the time I was in 100 feet of earth..my velocity was only 25 kms per hour...couple of more shots and I landed on a dense foliage of trees and vegetation...I broke my leg..my arm..my ribs...but I lived and survived..unfortuantely british found me..but they gave better treatment...

The days with Azad Hind Fauz are etched in my memory...It all happened in past lifetime..

:):)...read with a pinch of salt..so speaks the blog author...

Lines withdrawn from blogs...1

Writing a new series of the lines I have withdrawn from blogs which turned out be not worthy..
-------------------------------------------------
My friend..

Trust you must first..
as you may later distrust..

your heart was broken..
but your soul did mature..

hope you realised..
that the love remains alive..

it is not the person..
and specific situation..

love exist in mine ..
and your consiousness..

Love you must...
and never kill your innocence..

as innocence is the nothing..
but the humanity that it is.

Alone

People in homes,
In offices,

Travelling on Road,
On Air, On Sea,

All do feel
I am alone, I am alone

Talk talk, relate relate
Forget yourself for the time..

But again, the demon appears
Alone , alone, alone ,alone.

But how to fight, ones Own demon
Unknowingly created, with own psyche

Will offer a solution, though weird
Kill the psyche and all the demons

There is a bliss, being in a vegetable...
But then there are so many around,
And finally, you are not Alone.

Live with conviction..

Looking back into the history of formation of Microsoft, following story emerges.

Paul Allen and Bill Gates have been working with Computer Center Corporation. In December 1974, Allen on his way to meet Gates, picked up currrent issue of Popular Electronics on which Altair 8080 picture was there with the headline "World's First Microcomputer Kit to Rival Commercial Models."

They both realized this a big opportunity as home computer market was to explode and there will be demand for software for running the new machines. Gates took a very bold and unconventional step. He had called MITS (Micro Instrumentation and Telemetry Systems), who were the manufacturer of Altair 8080. He informed them that he and Allen have developed a BASIC which can run on Altair. The truth was that they had not written a single line of code for Altair as they did not have Altair or the chip that ran the computer.

MITS Believed them and was interested in seeing their BASIC. Gates and Allen started working feverishly on the BASIC that they had promised. Eight weeks later, they were ready with a program which was to run on Altair for the first time. Allen visited MITS and the program worked perfectly the first time. MITS had a deal with Gates and Allen to buy the rights to their BASIC.

Gates was convinced that the software market had been born. Within a year, Bill Gates had dropped out of Harvard and Microsoft was formed."

Essentially Gates was convinced that a requirement is there and he can create a code for this requirement. I am sure it would have taken lot of internal strength to take this challaenge.
We all pass through these situations sometimes in life, where we do not have the right exposure but the gut feelings makes us take the challenge. This is what makes us different. The risk brings the rewards. It can bring failure also, but that failure is better than the mediocre success without much effort.

We have been given a life to live and experience...the success and failures shall go hand in hand...it is always good to live with convictions in hand and live it first hand. This will bring a satisfaction to the core and also enrich our soul.

Value of Life

The darkness of the silent street...
the gushing cold wind making eerie sound...
The occupants of the village ...
sleep firmly ensconed...

he sits on the bench...
with little to hide...
emaciated...
but a life still inside..

wonder the value of life...
if its the value of clothes?
if its the value of freinds ?
if its the value of gains..

the helped is one...
who deserves help...
so those in need..
may compete to deserve...

the center is only one...
it is the self...
the other...
is only periphery...

where do I live...
and why do i ponder..
he who has this time..
is the one to be left behind..

think I must...
and write I must...
and act I must..

it is for us ..
to understand..
we can be the one...
on the bench.